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Kklak! articles
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| MONDAY
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So here I am in sunny Switzerland. It’s something of a busman’s
holiday for me, as I’m attending the international collectors and traders
fair, which is being held here at the hotel in Meiringen. It’s like a sort of
expanded memorabilia fair - there’s a dealer’s room of course, but it is
absolutely massive. There is everything here, not just cult tv merchandise,
but antiques, stamps, cheese labels - you name it, someone somewhere will
want to collect it. There’s no accounting for some people’s taste. Because of
the Toybox, I have been asked to give a couple of talks about the whys
and wherefores of compiling a comprehensive collectibles guide, which I’m
looking forward to - I’m sure that other areas of collecting can benefit from
my expertise and methodical approach. Unfortunately, my first day here has
been somewhat blighted by the unexpected appearance of Beech. Sometimes I
think that man is stalking me. He has set up some weird little display stand
with various props and costumes from the series - all the way up to his
genuine BBC police box prop. He is inordinately proud of his little
collection. When I consider how much money the poor, deluded fool has spent
on this pile of absolute tat, it’s all I can do to stop myself laughing out
loud. Things got slightly unpleasant when the organizers suggested I might to
share my stage with Beech, as we’re both Who collectors. Of course, I had to
decline. Beech got all huffy, and dared to suggest that I was jealous of him!
The very idea...
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| TUESDAY
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This trade fair has come at a very inconvenient time, when I should
be concentrating on getting the novella range up and running. I’ve had to
leave everything in Walker’s hand, although I’ve brought the laptop with me,
and keep in constant touch via email. I’ve also taken the opportunity to send
off a few more emails to Baxter, to see how he’s getting on with his
submission. I’ve still heard nothing from him, apart from that strange letter
from his solicitor, threatening to take out an injunction if I didn’t stop
pestering their client. Obviously it can’t be a serious threat - what else is
an editor for but to chase up his writers? I still can’t decide whether the
letter is the result of a clerical error, or some sort of sophisticated
writer’s joke that Baxter is playing on me. Whatever the case, Walker’s
suggestion that I should heed the letter and leave Baxter alone is plainly
just silly! In the evening, I noticed that Beech had talked the organizers
into giving him his own lecture spot. There he was, just like that time when
he appeared on BBC2 - saying how he was the envy of all Doctor Who
fans because he owned an original TARDIS. All I can say is, he really can’t
know many Doctor Who fans! All the ones I know think he’s a complete moron.
And what’s so fantastic about his police box prop? I’ve got hundreds of
police boxes - of all shapes and sizes - at home.
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| WEDNESDAY
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Today I gave my talk on the compiling of the Toybox. I was
somewhat distracted however by the presence of Beech at the back of the
auditorium. For one thing, he was waving the Master’s Tissue Compression
Eliminator around, almost as if he was trying to threaten me with it. I mean,
it’s not as if it really works, is it? Afterwards, I decided to have it out
with him. But he wasn’t on his stand - one of the organizers told me he’d
overheard Beech saying he was going for a walk to the local beauty spot.
Apparently, there’s a waterfall about ten minutes walk from here, a famous
landmark. I’m going up there right now...
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EXTRACT FROM MEIRINGEN POLICE REPORT
When the two English visitors failed to return to their hotel, I was
called in to investigate. Witnesses suggested they had taken the path up to
the waterfall, so I proceeded there myself. At one point, the path beside the
falls is only about one metre wide, with a sheer vertical cliff on one side
and a sheer drop into the depths of the waterfall on the other. Here I
discovered, resting atop a rock, a stubby black cylinder with a bulb-like end
(later identified as a Tissue Compression Eliminator) - and beside it a
child’s toy robot (later identified as a Louis Marx "tricky action"
Dalek) still in its original packaging. It was as if the two gentlemen had
discarded these items before their conversation. Two sets of footprints led
away from the rock to the edge of the cliff, where there was evidence of some
sort of scuffle taking place. No footprints led back. Brambles and ferns that
fringed the edge of the chasm had been torn away. I can only conclude that
the two men argued and fought here, eventually reeling over, locked in each
other’s arms, and plunged to their certain deaths in the seething waters of
the Reichenbach Falls. |
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